Summer's End

It seems like whenever the weather starts getting cooler and Summer is on its way out, I begin thinking about the Summer and what I did and what I wish I had done, but didn't get around to doing. It's a sort of grieving process for the end of Summer, I guess. The ennui doesn't last too long because Autumn is probably my favorite season of all and it's hard not to enjoy its deep blue skies, crisp air and the crackly crunch of fallen leaves.

In evaluating this past summer, I've realized that most of the things I wish I had done don't center around big adventurous or exciting activities, but around rest. Generally, I suppose I could say that I wish I had rested more this Summer. When I think of Summer on its way out, I regret that I didn't spend more time talking with God, or simply sitting in the sun, or reading for pleasure, or lying on my back looking at the clouds, or having a good conversation with a friend. The simple pleasure of spending an afternoon with a friend and doing nothing in particular is underrated. Some of the best conversations come out of those times...but you've got to hang around long enough to let them happen.

Today

Today I saw a homeless woman on a bench while I was walking to church. I had seen her yesterday too, and Krista and I finally got our nerve up to ask her if we could buy her some lunch. She said she had already had something. Today I asked her if she wanted to come to church with me. She said she couldn't come right then. I found out that her name is Brenda. We talked for awhile about churches and bus stops and West Street and teenagers walking through Annapolis at night to go to restaurants. We said goodbye and I told her maybe I'd see her around. I was late to church. I hate being late because being on time is one of the great struggles of my life, but today I didn't mind. Today finally feels like living simply.

Simply Complicated

Simple. This is what I want my life to be...and when it's not, I get frusterated because I have this vision of my life and how I want it to be and how I want my day to go and it never goes that way. "This would only happen to me!" I go school and there's no parking, I go to work and the receptionist is out sick, I try to print something and end up elbow deep in an unplanned printer disection. The truth is, this would only happen to everybody. Everybody's lives are complicated. Supposedly, there are people who live simply. We know this because they get their houses photographed for Real Simple Magazine. These are the sorts of people who have time to do those craft projects featured in Martha Stewart Living. I have yet to meet one of these simple people. Everybody I know uses magazines like Martha Stewart Living as oversized drink coasters that can be flipped through if an important task needs avoiding. The question, "So, how's it going?" seems so unassuming, but the answers it can elicit can be some of the longest (or shortest) narratives you'll ever hear. Everyone has a story...and everyone's story is complicated. There's no way around it. Life is messy. Que Sera Sera.

What I love about Sunday...

"You swept in, picked us all up, and saved us from our very selves." - Laurie DeYoung prayed this in church this morning and I think it summarizes my experience so well.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by my own sin that I just can't move on. It's all I can think about. "I've failed again. I let you down again, God." It's hard for me even to accept Christ's forgiveness. "How could I have done this again?" - I think that question reveals the issue. I am so prideful that I actually think I am somehow good. "How could I have done this?" I can't get over my own sin because I have such a hard time accepting that I am a fallen human being and when I sin I can't deny that. It's such a humbling, exhausting, shattering experience and it happens over and over and over.

"O, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees! Then I would not be put to shame when I would consider all your commands."
-Psalm 119:5-6

I can relate so well to Paul's words:
"So I find this law at work: when I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
-Romans 7:21-25

Dear Lord, I need you to save me from my very self.

Don't argue with the process.

This is what I read this morning in Acts:
"And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace."
- Acts 20:22-24

This is the reading for April 17th in "Streams in the Desert.":
"If people would only believe they are still in the process of creation, submit to the Maker, allowing Him to handle them as the potter handles clay, and yield themselves in one shining, deliberate action to the turning of His wheel, they would soon find themselves able to welcome every pressure from His hand on them, even if it results in pain. And sometimes they should not only believe, but also have God's purpose in sight: 'bringing many sons to glory' (Heb. 2:10)."
- Streams in the Desert

This is what I read in my preparatory devotions for Club Dust:
"Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you."
- Genesis 12:1

Coincidence?

I've been asking God a lot of questions lately. "Why am I doing this now, God?"
He answered with yesterday's "Streams" reading. The verse was Hebrews 11:8: "By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going." The message: Do not lean as much on the promises as you do on the Promiser.

Why am I doing this?

You know, life?